Finally

Well I finally got my computer returned to me, seems like its been years! Will start posting tomorrow night, just thought I'd share the good news :)

Computer Issues

Just jumping on really fast, my computer is at Best Buy getting repaired! I am hoping that it will be back by the end of the week but it could be up to three weeks. I will only have time to make posts on Monday and Wensday evening!
Have a great weekend everyone

Round One

I have spent so many hours trying to figure out how to work through this pile of information, and I think that I have finally found a method that will work for everyone! I will write my first set of posts on a particular event and follow up with a post regarding my feelings and if applicable the feelings of any other individual involved.

Since my most recent fight with my father caused me to want to take a closer look at certain aspects of my life, I figured what better place to start! It wasn't really one disagreement that caused the cease in communication between us it was more a converstation followed up a few weeks later with a fight.

Growing up Josh never had anyone teach him how to take care of a car. His only male role model's philosophy on repairing a car goes like this "Run em till they don't run anymore!" So Dad was teaching Josh how to replace his own universal joint. Dad repeatidly told Josh it was a one piece unit and when Josh insitead it was two pieces Dad started to get an attitude with him. Dad's attitude got even worse when he got under the truck to correct Josh only to discover that it was a two piece unit. Within minutes of this discovery Dad took me aside to talk about how Josh treats me.

Dad: "You shouldn't be carrying everything in. He should carry everything in for you."

Me: "Dad, I did carry more in but what I carried in was a lot lighter than the baby so

I had Josh carry the baby in."

Dad got quiet for a few minutes and came back with: "Well when Wanda's at work I cook and clean for her."

Me: "Point?"

Dad: "Well with Josh being laid off he should be doing the dishes."

Me: "Josh does what ever I ask of him and whatever I need. However I'll be damned if I

ask him to do the dishes. I have seen how his mother does them, and chances are high our

cat would do a better job!"

This converstation was by no means a fight but it did change how I looked at Dad. The major portion of our relationship Dad has spent out of state working either in New Hampshire, Seattle, or Texas. Since July 06 when I introduced them Dad has only spent at most ten hours with Josh and I which was broken up into 10 to 60 minute intervals. Personally I think that Dad hasn't spent enough time with us as a couple, or with us at our house to see how we interact as a couple to make a judgement call on how "terrible" I am treated. If I was being mistreated I am certain another family member or a friend would pick up on this and bring it to my attention and the only person expressing concern is Dad.

The events of this particular afternoon caused me to feel defensive of my relationship with Josh when talking with Dad. This feeling that Dad was taking every oppurtunity to either put Josh down or try to get Josh and I fighting set the foundation for our blow out!

What is your favorite hobby?

Like I have previously stated I do not have a hobby, but would really enjoy having one for two reasons! I truly feel like having a hobby would give me a better understanding of myself and bring me a step closer to my ultimate goal. Not only would this give me an awareness of who I am but would also give me something productive to do during my little bit of spare time.

There are so many things to consider when picking a pastime, occasionally it seems daunting. A few things I want to take into consideration when picking this activity is the time required and the cost involved! I do not want an activity that would require a large amount of time to be devoted to it or be highly addictive. Something that I can put down and pick back up without feeling lost. My current financial situation requires that the hobby doesn't have a large start up cost, especially with the chance I'll lose interest.

I would like to make a list of different hobbies from cooking to photography and try each hobby for a few weeks and see which shoe fits best. My only problem is that my list sort of ends with the above mentioned activities, so my question to you is:

What is your favorite hobby?

Who Do You Seen In the Mirror?

If someone asked you to describe yourself what would you say? Would you talk about your job? Or your family? Maybe your newest project? Who do you really see when you look in the mirror?

When I look into the mirror I see a 25 year old woman staring back at me. A woman who often feels more like a 20 year old mentally, and more like a 60 year old physically. In 2006 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis which mainly affects my cognitive abilities consequently making me incapable of working. The inability to work actually works out pretty good because now I have the honor of being a stay at home mom.

My son just turned 18 months old today, and means the entire world to me. There is nothing that I love more than spending time with him, teaching him new words, reading books with him, or just cuddling on the couch!

My boyfriend Josh and I have been together since March 2006 and living together since July 2006. Josh is not just my boyfriend, but one of my best friends and I am so glad I have him by my side offering love and support!

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Who Am I? 5 Things I Want to Know.

1. Life Plan - Currently I am feeling a great deal of apprehension. I am unsure of where I am going or where I have been. I hope that when I finish this walk I will have a clearer understanding of where I have been, how it has affected me, and where I want to go with my future.

2. Hobbies - Hobbies what are hobbies? I know the technical definition, but personally I have never had an activity that I felt was worth spending an extensive amount of time on. I hope that soon I will have a better understanding of myself and what I do and do not like that I can develop a passion for something.

3. Personality Traits - Am I funny? Am I a good story teller? Am I compassionate? Yet again I do not know which is utterly depressing for me. It seems at the very least I should be familiar enough with myself to know one thing about my personality that sticks out!

4. Anger Troubles - I would not necessarily say I was an angry person, however I do get angry easily especially when it comes to a few simple things. For example if someone tells me the same thing repeatedly (more than twice) I completely lose it! Or if something gets changed and I do not get what seems like enough heads up I can not help but get mad. I am fairly certain of where this anger comes from, but I would like to better understand the anger and find reasonable methods of dealing with it.

5. Spirituality - For as long back as I can remember I have been envious of religious individuals. Growing up religion did not play a major role in our household, it was only taken seriously when it was convenient. I would love to make another, more sincere attempt at finding God and a lifestyle I have always wanted for myself.

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A Fork in the Road

What happens when somewhere along the road you realize you've lost something? Something incredibly important? Something you can not live without? What happens when you come to the realization that you've lost track of the real you?

You get mad! You get angry! Your heart hurts so bad it feels like your going to die! Every single thing you thought you knew suddenly feels foreign!

Once you've calmed down you make a rational decision to find yourself. Knowing that what you find may in fact not be what you remember! Knowing that over the past few years you've changed drastically some of which has been by choice, and some of which was forced upon you. Your heart becomes tragically aware that some of the people that have been in your life may not be at your side in the end, and hope that maybe some of the relationships you've lost will become repaired somewhere along the difficult road you're about to embark on.

You hope and pray that you have the strength to tear down the walls you've built up so high blocking everyone out, including yourself! You hope that the person you discover is an individual that you'd be proud of knowing and bringing along for this wonderful rid called life.

Recently I have been forced to see that something has changed. I'm fighting with people that I never fought with before, and getting along with people I had a difficult time putting up with in the past. I took an afternoon to evaluate the past few years of my life, and became dreadfully sensitive to the number of life changing events I've experienced.

Which opened my eyes to a whole new reality. How could I still be living my life as though now of these events had occurred? How could I have lived through these occurrences and not changed? How could I expect happiness to find me when I didn't even know where I was? Or better yet how could I expect friends and family to love and care for a total stranger?

The answer was exceptionally simple, I couldn't! And that is why I've decided to take a few months to break down calmly and rationally the events that have brought me to where I stand today, to evaluate my relationships, and start the difficult and painful task of getting to know and accept myself!